cawai'i

"man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore"

2012-01-23T06:31:00.004-10:00

donʻt hold on to formerly good things for too long. letting go and moving on can open doors you never even thought existed - possibly new loves as well.

have the courage to say goodbye. know when itʻs time to move on and time to let go. be honest about whatʻs working and whatʻs not. donʻt stay because youʻre afraid of never finding something better. be ok walking away...

who knows, it may be the best decision you ever make.

I wish you were more of an asshole

2012-01-19T20:54:00.004-10:00

believe it or not, that was actually a compliment. to be fair, the entire sentence was "I wish you were more of an asshole so he would know how cool you are" [thank you?] it was followed by a deep conversation about infatuation and why we tend to fall for the people we know the least. the truth is, we don't usually get to see the "bad" parts of new people because we don't hang out with them all the time. ultimately it's harder to find someone's flaws in the beginning of a relationship - or friendship for that matter. of course we're going to like the people we only get to experience in small doses! we only get to see the good bits!

so all this talk about love and relationships got me thinking. how do we know when it's time to stop looking? how do we know when we've found "the one"? you don't. you'll never know for sure. you just let things happen and see where the cards fall. chances are the universe will let you know at some point when it's time to let go, give up, walk away, or move on.

so much of what we feel can't be explained. it just is. and that's the most beautiful thing of all! when you let yourself feel, you truly begin to live.

the art of muddling through

2011-11-11T22:46:00.020-10:00

I realized something yesterday as I was waiting for the bus.

I have no fucking clue what I'm doing!

I don't have a 10 year plan. I don't even have a 5 year plan! other than to pay off my student loans and travel to far off places, my major goals the last few years have been pretty mediocre. I'm not striving for a specific salary or the ideal job. for the most part I'm pretty content just muddling through.

actually, I rather like my simple life. it's not glamorous or exciting, but it's mine. the thing is, I'm worried I should be doing more. unfortunately I've become quite accustomed to not planning my life. getting ahead of myself is something I try to avoid. I'm also good at avoiding love. crazy I know! but it's true! once you're in love everything changes, including your process of rational decision-making (sure, I'd love to live in japan!). but that's not what scares me.

what scares me is the thought of waking up one day, looking back at my life, and wishing I'd done more.

I'm struggling with settling into a full-time job, enjoying my leisure time (reading, hiking, hiking, hiking - did I mention hiking?), and falling for someone who's never even heard of the word leisure. I hate to admit it, but for the past 4 years my major goal in life has been to find mr. right and push past the bullshit of a 7 year relationship that was maybe never meant to be. I don't know if what I have with this new guy is love, but it's the closest thing I've found in a long time. now I just have to decide what's next. how far ahead am I willing to look? tomorrow? next week? 12 months? I can't answer that right now, but maybe I should be setting a new goal for myself. instead of thinking about who I should end up with, maybe it's time to think about what happens in case my wishful thinking doesn't go exactly as planned. should I move to denmark? get my phd? hike the pacific crest trail? what's my back-up plan?

then again, maybe it's okay to fly by the seat of my pants. when it comes to love, relationships, jobs...the whole bit...is it better to plan or just see what happens? as mason jennings would say, "be here now." thanks mason, I think I will.

is this what it feels like to move on?

2011-10-28T06:40:00.000-10:00

god I hope so.

lucky come hawaii?

2011-09-25T21:56:00.004-10:00

I could be happy here. I could be happy someplace else.

I just don't know.

I'm a masochist

2011-09-11T22:55:00.005-10:00

I can always tell when I'm not over my ex. I get these feelings, these little thoughts that pop into my head, that force me to consider a life without him - a life in which we both have moved on. every time the thought of losing him enters my head I quickly wish it away as if to say "no! not yet! there's still a chance!" call me crazy, but as much as it hurts to think about him there's something very comforting about the thought of him - about the thought of us. I've never been quite comfortable accepting the "moving on" piece of our relationship. sure I can live a couple thousand miles away and not talk to him for months at a time, but the idea of cutting him out of my life completely is still a very scary thought. I don't want to. I guess that makes me a masochist huh?

I'm starting to believe I'll ever be in love with someone the way I was in love with sean. I still crave him.

the flip side of this is the reality that things are the way they are. he isn't in my life, nor is there any guarantee that he ever will be again. I don't like this thought, but I know it's true, which means I need to move on.

I want to create a life with someone else...I just don't know how.

decisions

2011-08-11T21:16:00.004-10:00

decisions. everyone has to make them. true, some are more difficult than others, but when it comes to decisions there is no middle ground. you either have an answer or you don't. so what happens when you find yourself stuck in no man's land? the place in-between "yes" and "no?" what do you do then?

for me, this so-called mid-point en route to a decision is equivalent to standing stationary on a mountain top - instead of jumping forward or back you just stand there, hoping someone will come up and push you into oblivion, or take your hand and lead you away from the edge. the decision to jump head first into the unknown or fall back into the familiar...now that is something I think everyone can relate to.

in Buddhism, the "middle path" is described as a path between two extremes. maybe it's time I started to think of my decisions in the same way. maybe there is no definitive "yes" or "no." maybe there are no questions that need immediate answers. yes, we all still have to make decisions (there's no way around that), but the truth is, your decisions are never final. you can always change your mind.

sure, there are some decisions that may get you blown a little off course, but every good sailor knows they can right their ship. so test the waters! take that leap of faith and jump head first into the unknown! don't be afraid of making the wrong choice. there are no wrong decisions. in fact, sometimes the seemingly "wrong" decisions can result in some of the sweetest rewards. it would seem then that the only decision worth making is the decision to take risks...

just do it

I didn't know what to say anymore...so I just said it

2011-07-26T21:17:00.004-10:00

I told the one person I should not be talking to that I still care for him. I don't know why I did it, but I did. actually, I do know why I did it. I did it to try to put some closure to a relationship that never had any closure to begin with. sure, it was a "break up," but I can't recall either one of us ever putting a solid label on what we had become. friends? lovers? two people waiting for the "in between phase" to finally pass? thousands of different scenarios have played out in my head. what are we? is there still a chance? what happens next? ultimately, neither one of us has ever wanted to admit, or discuss, the real possibility that things might never be the same.

I've wanted to move on, but it hasn't been easy letting go. I've had a hard time admitting to myself that things are not the same - that we may never be the "we" I hoped we would become. recently I reached a point where I can't continue to leave things as they are - unclear. I had to make it clear. I had to say something.

so I said I still love you. which is true. I do still love him. maybe not in the same way, but those feelings that developed at a very early age have never gone away. and they never will. I'll always love him. but starting today I need to say it and be ok with not hearing "I love you too" on the other end of the line. this time, I need to say it just for me. to say what I'm feeling, but be ok with silence in return.

my sister says there comes a point when you have to let go. I think this is that point. there may never be a definitive moment of closure when I can say, that's it, that's the moment I finally let go...but I have to start somewhere. I have to start by saying enough is enough. I want to be happy. I am happy. I am happy without you.

you got this

2011-06-14T22:18:00.005-10:00

truth: you can choose to wallow in self-pity or you can choose a new approach. there's no rule that says crappy situations have to turn your mood to crap. and there's no rule that says you have to accept life circumstances - if you're not satisfied, change it!

try smiling more. try being nice even when you don't want to. stop searching. when you're ready, it will find you. some of the most extraordinary discoveries were made by pure chance and dumb luck. you've already learned to let go of the little things...it's time to start letting go of the bigger stuff.

be the change you wish to see in the world - even if that change needs to happen within you.

what's next?

2011-05-29T19:06:00.007-10:00

yesterday I was reading a travel book about cities — Honolulu wasn’t in it.

it seems silly to think that as an urban planner I’ve placed myself in one of the most inhospitable cities for pedestrians. to be honest, it’s a little absurd that the University of Hawaii even has an urban planning department. driving around it doesn’t look like we got it quite right. but hey, that’s just one reporter’s opinion.

don’t get me wrong. I LOVE Hawaii. hell, I could live here (actually I do live here). but I’m struggling to decide whether or not it’s the place I should be right now. I’m almost done with school. I just finished the first draft of my thesis and I’m sitting in a café off Ward thinking “what’s next?”

what is next? I guess it’s the question we all ask ourselves toward the end of some monumental undertaking. for me, this summer marks the end of grad school and the beginning of something new — a new chapter in my life. the problem is, I’m not quite sure where to start.

for months I’ve been struggling with it. what do I want to do? where do I want to go? and who do I want to be with? I remember telling myself before I moved out here, “it’s only 2 years…you can always come back in 2 years.” well, it’s been two and a half years and I’m not ready to go back. although I’m not ready to stay either. like I said, I love Hawaii. there are lots of reasons to stay, but one big reason to leave — me. I’m not there yet. I still haven’t done what I set out to do…be okay on my own. sean used to be my reason for going back. now he isn’t. a “new somebody” was my reason to leave L.A. and what I hoped would be my reason for staying, but that hasn’t really worked out either. which is fine. I’m not ready to be with someone right now. I may WANT to be with someone, but I’m NOT READY to be with someone – at least not anyone new.

I still think about sean. I do. I think about him more than I’d like to admit. but I can’t continue to put myself in limbo – stuck between what was and what might still be — life doesn’t work like that. I have to move on. Sean is still probably the one aspect of my former self that I haven’t been able to let go of – at least not completely. and I guess he’ll never be completely gone. like so many other things in life, my love for Sean is always going to be a part of me. and I have to be okay with that. as much as it hurts to still think about it, wishing it away is never going to be the answer. accepting it however, can be.

well I guess I still haven’t really answered my question…what’s next? I don’t know. and I guess that’s the other part of acceptance.

life is about not knowing, accepting change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next…delicious ambiguity.

thanks for listening. I’ll let you know when I make up my mind :)

why I love denmark

2011-04-12T20:24:00.008-10:00

cheese for breakfast. enough said. it’s also one of the few words I can pronounce in Danish. ost! rugbrød however is quite another story. If I could rid the world of one danish word, “rye bread” would be it. unfortunately, if you want to order an open-faced sandwich in Denmark you have to know how to say it. ruu-prol? yeah sure, that sounds about right.

speaking of language, you gotta hand it to the Danes. not only have they managed to create one of the most difficult languages, but every word is spelled in a way completely counter-intuitive to how Americans would speak.

fortunately for Americans, most Danes think our American accents are positively adorable. no matter how many times I mangle the world “Rådhuspladsen,” my friend Christian still thinks it’s irritatingly cute. irritating? yes. cute? nej.

everyone answers the phone with their first name. “Mette speaking!” “uh, I know, that’s why I dialed your number.” when I point this out to Danes they just laugh. I guess it’s possible that the person who called you was drunk, stupid, and utterly incompetent to realize whose number they dialed, but I think most people know whom they’re calling when they dial a number.

tradition. Danes know absolutely nothing about their culture or why they do the things they do. seriously. no one knows why you get cinnamon on your 25th birthday if you’re single and unmarried or why we eat rice pudding for dessert on christmas. I shouldn’t find this surprising considering my grandmother can’t recall why our family name is “Ersbak.” uh…

soccer for homeless people. it’s true. I went to a match the other day at Rådhuspladsen (there’s that word again) between the national girls team and a group of homeless dudes. surprisingly, they held their own. the game ended in a tie. what! no shoot out? no penalty kicks? although I hate to think what the homeless dudes would have done if they ended up losing to a squad of girls. hit the bottle? ouch. low blow, Katie.

danish knick-knacks. it’s funny, but every Danish house I’ve ever been in has some piece of furniture, kitchenware, or other household item that I grew up with. “hey! my dad has that chair!” it’s actually quite weird. then again, it’s like I never left home.

Jante law. back in the “olden days” (when the earth was formed), Jante law was described as a series of rules for group behavior, which negatively portrays and criticizes success and achievement as unworthy and inappropriate. practically speaking, step out of line, and we cut your balls off. this pattern of behavior was exhibited perfectly tonight at Det Kongelige Teater (the Royal Danish Theatre) where we went to see the play “My Fair Lady” – in Danish, of course. at the end of the performance everyone in the audience began clapping in unison. it was the most bizarre thing I’ve ever witnessed. god forbid, someone in the crowd start clapping a little too loud or out of sync for fear of being arrested or promptly shipped off to the Faroe Islands. actually, it all makes perfect sense. last summer at a concert at Tivoli I made the mistake of clapping at the end of a performance. sensing a sniper nearby, my friend requested that I stop clapping. too bad, I would like to visit the Faroe Islands.

as an aside, do Henry Higgins and Eliza Doolittle hook up at the end of the movie? hmmm, must be the new “Danish” ending.

doors. doors in Copenhagen are extraordinarily heavy and near impossible to open. to add insult to injury (sometimes literally), it’s never quite clear which way to open them. do I push or pull? sometimes you have to pull and twist the small lock at the top of the doorknob. i’ve lost track of how many times I’ve mistaken a door for being locked, when in fact all I had to do was pull then twist. or was it push then pull? needless to say, opening doors in Denmark is a process of trial-and-error. if at first you don’t succeed…just stand there and wait for someone else to do it for you. aha! it was push not pull!

the weather. this is Spring? your concept of warm and cold change significantly once you arrive in Denmark. it’s going to be 18 degrees tomorrow! all right! that’s 60 degrees fahrenheit! after several months of darkness, it’s no wonder the Danes love sunshine. walking down the street on a sunny day you’re likely to encounter a plethora of Danes sunning (in unison of course) on a park bench. they love it! like human sundials, the Danes move with the light. perhaps that’s why the universe rewards them during the summer months when the sun never sets.

of course taking a shower when it’s cold is an endeavor in itself. to bathe, or not to bathe, that is the question. sadly, I can’t remember the last time I washed my body – or shaved. but judging from the length of my armpit hair it’s been at least three days. no, make that four. unfortunately, hygiene takes a back seat when the weather drops below freezing. thank goodness I smell wonderful all the time.

FYI: never try to peel and orange outside during the month of March. your fingers won’t work for a week.

the flag. Danes love their flag. the “Dannebrog,” as it’s called in Denmark, is commonly flown in many Danish backyards. you’ve got to love a country that will fine its citizens for not taking down their flag after sunset. can you just imagine the phone call from the neighbor to the police? “uh, Niels has had his flag up for two days now and it’s really starting to piss me off.”

the funny thing is, it has nothing to do with national pride or patriotism. as with most things, it’s just something we do. napkins, plates, cups, cakes, cards, table tops, t-shirts, signs, stickers – the Danish flag adorns anything and everything, especially during birthdays and celebrations, and the Danes will use any excuse to fly their flag. hell, I’m sporting a Danish flag on my t-shirt right now. damn! they got to me too!

business meetings in Danish. while most Danes speak English – a wonderful thing that I must thank them for again and again (tak! tak!) – events, meetings, and conferences, even with an international audience, tend to be held only in Danish. when I asked one of my friends why this was, she shrugged her shoulders and said, “I don’t know. I think we’re just assholes.”

jeg elsker dig Danmark :)

recalculating

2011-04-08T03:06:00.002-10:00

no matter how many times you tell yourself to be prepared – to accept change and uncertainty as a part of life – it seems you’re never quite prepared for what happens. I can’t say I’m surprised when life takes an unexpected turn. most of the time I try to consider the alternative, so when things go wrong I can rationalize the pain. of course, as with most things in life, change is only temporary, but deep down you wonder…will I ever get used to it? at what point do you stop wishing things worked out in a different way?

what if it all went right? what if it all turned out wrong? what if the things that went wrong were actually the things that went right? I wish I had answers, but I don’t. I wish I didn’t read into “signs,” but I do. most of all, I wish I could accept things for what they are…I don’t.

I don’t want to accept that life has a shitty side. I don’t want to be comfortable with the idea that “shit happens” and “nothing is perfect.” I wish it were.

as you can tell, I’m not having a very good day. but that’s okay. I’ll move on. at some point we all have to move on. at some point I’m going to have to be okay with change. maybe not today, but someday I will be. it’s the one certainty in life – which is very ironic because change is never certain. then again, maybe we need change in our lives to be absolutely certain that we can’t plan the rest of our lives – they will change.

I guess my advice would be to try not to set yourself up for disappointment by imagining your life working out in a certain way. your choices are half chance. the good news is, so are everybody else’s.

"everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end"

2011-03-25T22:00:00.009-10:00

damn. it's tough to not want life to work out the way you want. it's even tougher to accept things for what they are - uh, not exactly what you had in mind. but that's okay. whether or not there's some great master plan, you're never going to know for sure why things happen - or why they don't. so instead of wasting time worrying about how to change the path you're on, why not accept it for what it is? either way, whether you accept it or not, you can't change it.

remember katie, things are as they are. don't force the things you can't control. let things operate the way they will.

just go with it. it’s going to be okay.

tsunamis...and other shit we don't want to deal with

2011-03-15T19:31:00.011-10:00

it was the second tsunami warning in a little over a year. after a long night on "tsunami watch" - packing an emergency bag, moving the cars to higher ground, and sticking our "valuables" on the roof - it was around 4:30 in the morning when the roomies and I decided to call it quits. not because we were certain the waves were never going to strike, but because after 7 hours sitting in front of the television, sleep sounded like the most appealing option. before heading to bed I penned this note and left it on the kitchen counter...

"we did it! but come get me if..."

"if" - probably the most loaded word in the english language. while my note was intended for my roommates, so they'd know to grab me in case the tsunami did arrive, it got me thinking about the "iffy-ness" of everyday circumstances (a.k.a. the unknown). the truth is, nobody wants to deal with life's little "what ifs" - tsunami or otherwise. we want answers! and tend to operate only when there's 100% certainty. if you ain't sure, then we ain't buying.

but this way of thinking violates life's one fundamental truth - life is ambiguous - there's always going to be a "what if." trying to plan for the "what ifs" is like trying to ride two horses with one ass - it ain't gonna work! (ain't that right sugarbean?)

at some point you just have to say "fuck it." you're never gonna have all the answers. so you might as well pick a horse, saddle up, and ride like the wind. you don't have to know exactly where you're going (although a direction would be nice), just go! be prepared, have a plan, but don't stress about the things you can't control. and if all else fails, pack an emergency bag and stick it on the roof - preferably above the third story :)

expect the best, and hope the worst never finds you

2011-01-28T16:25:00.015-10:00

love and relationships come in many different shapes and sizes, and it's not necessarily the one you recognize (or may want).

in my experience it's good to prep for the unexpected - the stuff that leaves you thinking "holy crap! what the hell just happened?"

you cannot predict when or where these crappy moments will occur (and believe me, they will occur), but it's okay - the sooner you realize that life has its up and downs, the better off you'll be. love doesn't work out simply because we want it to - there's always the chance that it won't work - and always the chance that it will. but it's best to be prepared for both.

because who knows! maybe the person you met on the bus this morning is your soulmate, or maybe you winning the lotto isn't such a ridiculous idea after all. the point is, for every pipe dream you create, you have to be willing to accept the fact that things may (and quite possibly will) turn out differently...

...but that doesn't mean you have to stop believing.

personally, I like to believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast :)

malama o mānoa

2011-01-27T07:34:00.006-10:00

manoa greets me every morning,
and I can't help but smile :)

mahalo nui loa manoa

if enlightenment is not where you are standing, where will you look?

2011-01-17T20:58:00.013-10:00

right after moving to hawaii, a good friend of mine wrote me an email. in it, she offered some advice that helped me make sense of what at the time, was a very precarious situation. I saved the email to my computer and titled it "read me." every now and again I open her email to help put things back into perspective.

so, if and when you ever start to question the way of the world (particularly the love and relationship parts), just read this...

in life there are no guarantees. that being said, love and relationships can end for a variety of reasons. we can’t predict when things will end, or how we will feel, but we can choose to accept life for what it is – beautifully unpredictable.

accept the flaws. "people always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other. who wouldn’t? anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. but that’s not the clever trick. the really clever trick is this: can you accept the flaws? can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of that.’? because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to be pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you."

love everyone (even the ones who hurt you). "as painfully as those experiences may have turned out in the end, I would hate to see someone go through an entire lifetime never knowing what it feels like to morph euphorically into another person’s being." the freedom to love, regardless of who that is, is far more gratifying than a lifetime of resentment and anger.

happiness is not exactly scientifically quantifiable. nothing is! but you are somewhat in control of what happens within and around your relationships. of course, there’s no formula for what makes a happy relationship, but if you stay true to yourself and build the life that you want, you’ll likely end up with something pretty close to perfect.

be your own everything. "like porcupines out on a cold winter night...find a comfortable distance between entanglement and freezing. it’s ridiculous to think that someone else should magically be able to keep every part of our emotional being warm at the same time. starting today, I refuse to burden someone with the tremendous responsibility of somehow completing me. i’m starting to finally see where I end and where somebody else begins."

daddy, as difficult as today may seem and as much as we way wish things were different, EVERYTHING can change tomorrow. I guess all we have to do is wait :)

I love that new me smell

2010-12-31T10:57:00.009-10:00

I used to think "finding yourself" was about removing yourself entirely from everything you've known - moving to a new place, finding another state of mind, with no ties to the past. but I've discovered that finding yourself is as much about a change of scenery as it is about reflecting on what got you this far. in other words, learning to make peace with what was, what is, and what may be.

with the new year just around the corner, I'm tempted to devise some grand resolution - learn a new language, try to surf more, or play with my hair less - but this year, I resolve to do something completely out of character...stop striving for perfection.

reflecting on it now, I see that walking away from everything familiar, gave me the push I needed to find my own independence. in the process however, I became obsessed with maintaing my newfound "me-ness," terrified that one false move, one mis-step and POOF! it would all be gone. this is total crap of course. mis-steps make life exciting and utterly unpredictable. so this year, I resolve to be more daring and prove once and for all that losing your balance, is also part of living a balanced life.

this year, I will find joy in the unexpected. hey, who knows! it just might make the bumps a little easier to navigate.

so broken in

2010-12-27T23:13:00.032-10:00

I can't sleep. I know it's silly, but when the words don't come out the way they should, writing them down seems to help.

there's a song by john mayer that reminds me of you. it's called "comfortable" and it reminds me of what we used to have. let me preface this by saying you're completely wrong for me - selfish, hot-headed, and still unsure of what you want - you're not the person I need right now. but after 14 years of loving you, it's kinda hard to let you go. in fact I spent much of my young adult life believing you were the one. I put all my energy into loving you and was devastated to discover you didn't feel the same way. you crushed my heart and left me broken and confused.

it hasn't been easy. in fact, it's been downright unbearable at times. so I left, knowing deep down that it was better to move on than wait for you to figure yourself out. I moved an ocean away but left some small part of me with you, for no other reason than the hope that someday it could work. I had the courage to leave, but not the strength to break away completely. it's been more than 3 years and I still haven't totally moved on.

why? it's simple. our love was the most familiar and comfortable thing I'd ever known.

comfortable is a funny word. it's the only word I'd use to describe a relationship like ours. not just because I could pee in front of you, or wake up in the morning and not feel awkward about looking like complete shit. when you have a relationship as comfortable as ours, it's only natural to want it back.

this summer in denmark, I learned a new word for comfortable. it's called "hygge" and it means "cozy togetherness" or the danish way of surviving soul-crushing darkness. you see, during the dark winter months, the danes succeed in "creating" hygge by lighting candles and gathering together with family and friends. the soul-crushing darkness found in wintertime might also be compared to the soul-crushing darkness of a lost relationship. sometimes it seems, the only way out, is to go to denmark, light a candle and see what happens.

no doubt I've become much more adventurous, daring, and independent since you left. for the first time in a long time, I am free to discover who I am, and what I want. but I'll always want you. after all, comfort is a hard thing to forget.

so why did I stay up until 3 in the morning writing this all down? I have no idea, but at least now I'll be able to sleep knowing that I made my thoughts clear. which reminds me. there's another song that makes me think of you. it says "you're love is the perfect blindfold for me." how true that is. I can't see past what we once had. and, as much as I want to, I can't let go.
maybe I was never meant to.

...I loved you, gray sweatpants, no makeup, so perfect
(I love that line)

christmas in L.A.

2010-12-25T07:03:00.004-10:00

ain't it puuuurty?

"what is your original nature, snowman?"

2010-12-11T11:23:00.011-10:00

what makes us who we are? what defines us? and what makes us human?

as I stood in front of my zen calendar trying to mull this one over, I realized something. the answer to this question is...
everything.

we are defined as much by ourselves as we are by the people who come into our lives. every life is constantly evolving. the person you are today, is not the same person you were three years ago. you have changed. your life has changed.

still yet, there is one thing that grounds us, one thing that every person shares... the fact that we're all human. so no matter what your color, race, ethnicity, or religion, whether you're a snowman or a snow cone, at our core we all originate from the same place. our "nature" is simply to be - to be human, be adventurous, be in love, be grateful, be happy or be sad.

just be.

"the art of being wise is knowing what to overlook"

2010-12-08T05:41:00.005-10:00

...and what to look for.

don't ignore obstacles, but also don't let them get the best of you. some things just aren't worth the time or energy. so relax. it's only as big as you make it seem.

harvesting wildlife

2010-12-06T20:52:00.006-10:00

I can't believe I watch this shit. "sarah palin's alaska" has to be the most ridiculous show on tv. if the viewer discretion warning at the beginning isn't enough to convince you, just wait. I've never actually been able to make it through an entire episode without yelling profanities at the tv or hitting delete before the commercial break. I can't stand the way she tries to act normal but just ends up looking like a fucking idiot, which incidentally she is.

on tonight's episode, sarah goes huntin' for caribou with her dad, who has this annoying habit of referring to her as "my daughter sarah palin" (uh yeah, we know). of course the best part came when sarah and her hunting buddies happened upon a lesbian woods woman named sue. in what could only be described as the most ridiculous scenario imaginable, sue recounts her run in with a bear in which she was attacked, dragged to the water's edge, escaped! managed to find a rifle, but not before she "sewed her head back together" (her words not mine), shot the bear, and laid on the ground for 10 days until a helicopter arrived. are you kidding me? we can't even corroborate her story because she's the only person who lives at the camp!

I can't say for sure whether or not I'm going to make it through the whole episode. holy shit! they just spotted a caribou! oh I love it. sarah keeps shooting (missing of course) and the caribou just stares at her. oh crap, she got him. and what better way to end another animal's life than by posing with it for a picture. jeeeesus!

ok, so maybe sarah palin is a cool chick (maybe). I just don't think anyone who uses the phrase "harvesting wildlife" or makes up words like "refudiate" should be involved in politics (or allowed to vote for that matter).

one plus about sarah palin? she likes to eat blueberries. me too!

no plans

2010-12-03T09:24:00.012-10:00

"the first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn"

life is a series of twists and turns, up and downs, good times and bad. nothing turns out exactly the way you expect. everything you know, everything you are, and everything that is, can change in an instant. never think that things won't change. they will.

learn to live without expectations of what will or should be. there is no plan.

we will get there someday.

eh! t'anks yeah!

2010-11-25T13:34:00.007-10:00

it's the ultimate cliche, giving "thanks" on thanksgiving is like having smelly pee after eating asparagus - they kinda go hand in hand. while we may not like the idea of saying our "thank yous" in front of everyone gathered around the dinner table, giving thanks makes us think long and hard about what it is we are truly grateful for. so, in honor of that tradition, here's what I'm thankful for.

today, I am grateful for turkeys - they sacrificed themselves so we could enjoy a delicious entree; mimi's dodger blue blouse - it certainly makes my outfit and now she can enjoy thanksgiving "hawaiian style"; benadryl - thanks to you my allergy attack was vanquished; my crap cheap drawers from walmart - the bottom drawer completely gave out on me this morning, but considering how cheap it was I'm thankful it's lasted me this long; shanna's straightener - thank goodness I have a roommate who is as generous with her beauty products as she is with her chauffeuring; GSO - it's taken you guys over six months to reimburse me $2000 but you also just awarded me $786 to return to Denmark in march (I guess I can't really be mad at you); post-its! everybody loves post-its!

and finally, all my friends and family. more specifically, mom, dad, jenny, kiki, christian, steve, mimi, and everyone else I failed to mention. you have given me the financial and personal support I need to turn my dreams into a reality (duh, I live in hawaii for crying out loud!).

thank you for all that you do, and so much more

sunrises

2010-11-18T07:16:00.003-10:00

hawaii's way of saying "t'anks"

you're welcome :)

I'm excited

2010-11-14T18:26:00.002-10:00

shout out to Jen for finding her dream job. congrats baby sister! you did it!

you gotta know the territory

2010-11-14T17:53:00.006-10:00

when it comes to matters of the heart, how do you know when someone is right for you?

answer: I have no fucking idea.

even if I found it, I may not have the brains or ability to recognize it. the truth is, I'm way too good at being strong. I've spent the last two years avoiding heartache by running as fast as I can from any and all potential love interests. granted most of them probably weren't right for me anyway, but I rarely wait around long enough to find out for sure. I have a problem with commitment (obviously), and quite possibly anything involving risk. no doubt, love is a risky business. there's always the chance of getting hurt, BUT if I've learned anything in my short twenty-six years it's this.

heartbreak comes with the territory. you have to be willing to put yourself out there if you're ever going to find what you're looking for. growing is as much about experiencing change, as it is about experiencing loss. inevitably you'll have to go down some dead end roads before discovering which path to take.

the good news is, by now, I think I know what I want. I just pray to god I recognize it when it finds me.

cross your fingers

"god went surfing with the devil..."

2010-10-20T14:03:00.016-10:00

…and found a new way of looking at the world.

[apartheid. the holocaust. slavery ] history is rife with acts of discrimination, hatred, and crimes against humanity. even in supposedly tolerant countries, fear of the “other” can be widespread. yet tolerance is about accepting our differences.

the act of tolerating is also the act of listening. every person has a different story to tell, a different perspective to share, and their own unique history. if you want to understand the big picture, listen to someone's story (the whole story).

while our beliefs, race, religion, and nationality may define us as individuals, they should not be used to measure our worth against someone else.

humanity is the one great equalizer. we are all human. we are all equal. regardless of skin color, dress, speech, or faith, everyone has wants, needs, desires, hopes, and dreams. in this world, you can't escape diversity. so, whether you're an apple or an orange, a pineapple or a papaya, in the end, we’re all just fruit :)

thoughts from the documentary "god went surfing with the devil" 10/19

“having a bit of a wobble”

2010-10-05T08:35:00.002-10:00

wob·ble (verb): to move or proceed with an irregular rocking or staggering motion or unsteadily and clumsily from side to side. restless.

whether you’re the one doing the wobbling or the wobbling has been done to you, the truth is, everyone wobbles. known to many of us as the proverbial “mid-life crisis,” wobbles can happen for a number of reasons. maybe you’re scared of commitment. maybe you’re in need of adventure. or maybe you just need a fresh start. if you’ve had a wobble, you’ve probably been a) uncertain b) indecisive c) fucking confused or d) all of the above. whatever the reason, I think everyone needs a good wobble in his or her life.

my wobble happened 3 years ago this month. actually it was my boyfriend’s wobble that turned my life upside down. looking back, there was a time when I would have given anything to change my situation. thankfully, that didn’t happen and slowly but surely I discovered that wobbles, while breaking us down, can also help lift us up.

wobbles, force us to re-evaluate our lives – where we are, what we want, and quite possibly, what we don’t want. crisis helps us think about what’s next. it forces us to take risks, have dreams, and jump in with both feet.

while you can’t predict when or where a wobble will occur, you should know that all wobbles have something to teach us, about people and ourselves.

...plus I really like that word “wobble”

hvis du ikke synes du lyser som du burde, så prøv at pudse pæren, inden du klager over el-værket

2010-09-29T09:38:00.001-10:00

"If you don't think you light up as you should, try to clean the bulb before you complain about the power plant"

thanks rikke :)

the fat lady looks pissed

2010-09-28T07:53:00.019-10:00

once again, this just wasn't our year. the dodgers quietly disappeared from the pennant race without a peep, and although I may bleed dodger blue, I'm still disappointed we didn't do more to make it happen. of course, as a third generation dodger fan, I have a right to be pissed at the dodgers (and jamie mccourt - remind me again why you need to spend $150,000 on haircuts?).

to be honest, I can't really say where we went wrong. as a displaced baseball fan living in Hawaii, I spent much of the season watching the games from the comfort of 24-hour fitness, where I engaged in pre-workout stretching routines while simultaneously cursing the hearing-impaired telecast (half the people at the gym must think I have tourette's). "shit" and "holy crap" are two phrases used by every LA fan, including myself. whether it's "shit, that should have been an out," or "holy crap, russell martin has a nice ass," this is the chosen vocabulary of every true blue dodger fan. however, while my mom prefers to give each player a unique nickname like "gribbens" (his actual name is gibbons), my grandma loved to use the expression "hot damn!" every time there was a good play or a home run. thankfully, mimi wasn't around to witness the ridiculousness of this season, but I'm hoping she managed to get herself into the locker room nonetheless.

even as a young adult, the dodgers have remained an integral part of my summer routine. I look forward to the spring, and dread october. when dodger season ends, a little part of my soul dies. I know that's crazy to say, but it's true! I've grown up with the dodgers, I consider vin scully my guru, and have witnessed some of the most exciting games in history (ok ok, so I may have been driving back up to LA for the game with the 4 back-to-back homers, BUT my mom and dad were at the kirk gibson home-run game!). my mom, grandma, and sister are all big-time dodger fans. but even hardcore dodger fans need to prove themselves sometimes. so, whether that means reciting the name and position of all the players with a retired number (yes, my mom can do it), or coming up with answers to ridiculous questions like "what dodger fan would you take camping?" (casey blake, duh), dodger fans are a unique breed. who else would come to a game knowing full well that when it's time to leave they'll have to sit in a 2-hour traffic jam just to get outside the stadium? I may not be proud of the dodgers this season, but I'm proud to be a dodger fan.

although I've still never been on "dodger vision" (cross your fingers), going to the stadium was and still is my favorite summer tradition. sadly, I didn't get to go to a single game this year (and I didn't get to eat a dodger dog either). according to my theories on superstition, that could be the reason we didn't make it to the playoffs (I'm just saying there's a possibility!). of course I wouldn't be a true baseball fan if I didn't evoke the age old adage voiced by so many loser teams come september...

...there's always next year.

keep going

2010-09-09T06:35:00.015-10:00

even when you think you have it all figured out, the world can surprise you. things you thought you had put behind you can suddenly resurface and you're left thinking, what the hell?

I've heard that there's power in understanding. but what if you still don't understand? what if you still don't understand why he left? or why he says "I still love you" but doesn't show it?

memories make it hard to forget, uncertainty makes it impossible. he may never fully understand the pain he caused, but I do.

my calendar today says that there was once a man who asked a zen master
"where do we go when we die?"
"I'll go straight to hell," said the master.
"Why you?" asked the man.
"If I don't, who will teach you?"

pain can make us question why things are the way they are, but questioning "why" is not going to change the fact that this is the way they are. there's a reason why life takes unexpected turns and confuses the hell out of us - it's up to you to discover what that is. grow from change and find the silver lining in life's little uncertainties.

I'm not completely healed but I am healing. at the end of the day there's nothing left to do but keep going. watch me go...

“sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it” - mark twain

2010-09-01T05:37:00.005-10:00

I’m annoyed. yesterday, California vetoed a bill that would have led to a statewide ban on plastic bags. so why did California lawmakers shoot down this bill? well, because it wasn’t in their “economic” best interest to support it. I’m so tired of arguing about the state of the economy when species are going extinct. at what point are we going to wake up and realize that the planet can only sustain so much? pollution, deforestation, climate change... you name it, we’ve got it. so why don’t we give a shit?

yes there are people actively involved in fighting these issues (I like to consider myself one of them), but there is an even greater percentage of people (especially those in high-powered positions) that continue to ignore the issues plaguing the world, bringing us closer and closer to catastrophe (yes Sarah Palin I'm talking to you). want to know why the economy is so shitty? simple. some people (a.k.a. capitalists) care more about their pocketbooks and drilling for oil in a national wildlife refuge than the health of the planet! It doesn’t take a Harvard degree to know that plastics are derived from oil. not to mention that oil is not only a significant source of pollution, it’s also a finite resource! what do you think will happen to the economy when we run out of oil and no longer have the ability to power our homes, business, and industries? you got it, we're gonna be SOL (shit outta luck). I’m not asking people to give up their cars, or start walking to work, but jesus! at least acknowledge that there's a problem and stop endorsing the kind of behavior that got us into this mess (uh hum, using plastic bags) in the first place!

what the world needs right now are activists. not necessarily the Greenpeace variety (although that would help), but people who actively want to make a difference and be the change they wish to see in the world. If the only change you wish to see is geared toward your own personal fiscal gain, fine – we could do without your help. but if you’re concerned for the welfare of the planet and the future fate of humankind then stand up and voice your concerns! even better, do something about it! we don’t need politicians to start making these important changes. we (the people!) hold the power to enact change. and as for the lawmakers in California…

… fuck ‘em.

in response...

2010-08-31T14:05:00.003-10:00

"the fence is crowded and the reasons to remain on it many. jumping or falling may not be by choice - just as life happens, one never knows when a chance to love and trust again will show you the way :)"

thanks mamacita

on the fence

2010-08-29T21:05:00.010-10:00

I'm on the fence, which basically means I can't make up my mind. I used to think that a relationship was all I wanted. but now when I'm presented with the opportunity to love someone new I shy away. I'm torn between wanting a relationship and not wanting to get hurt. perhaps my fear of commitment is really a reflection of what I don't want to happen. I don't want to become attached, love sick, and controlled by lust. I'm scared of getting involved with someone and then losing myself. it's terrifying to think that all the steps I've taken, all the progress I've made, could be swept away by one person. I'm not sure I'm prepared to see what another person might do to me and my identity.

meeting the right person has not been a piece of cake. in fact, it's probably been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm not good at dating and I'm certainly not good at the casual "hook up." in fact, my so-called flings and flirtations have left me even more uncertain about love and relationships than ever before. the ironic thing is that I want love. I want to have someone to hold, but deep down I'm terrified of losing my balance and falling flat on my face. for me, opening my heart to the possibility of someone new could throw my whole world out of whack. I want love, but I may not be ready.

then again, maybe all I need to do is get my ass off the fence?

"your room smells like adventure"

2010-08-13T11:34:00.011-10:00

aww, thanks Jen!

do you ever wonder how other people see you? do you ever think that maybe the person you see yourself as is entirely different from the person you show to the world? for a lot of people this may be true. often times we find ourselves putting off an image we think others want to see, but it's not really who we are! I'm guilty of it, and only recently discovered the flaw in this way of thinking. staying true to yourself (your beliefs, your pursuits, and even your sense of fashion) can be incredibly empowering. as individuals, we are all "individual" - unique, rare, and one of a kind!

as a twin I sometimes forget this. sure my sister and I technically share all the same biological traits, but who we are is also a product of our lives and experiences. over the last year I have had many new experiences, things I couldn't share with Jenny and had to experience on my own. while there were moments of uncertainty, anger, and frustration, I learned so much about the person I am (and also the person I don't want to be). I don't want to be someone who doesn't have time to enjoy life, to sit down and read a book, to go to the beach on a school day, or bask in the sun in the driveway. finding these small pleasures has helped me recognize the person I am (with or without my twin by my side).

so who am I? I am someone who likes to wear "grandpa pants" and dress in things completely inappropriate for Hawaii. I am someone who cares about the environment and holds empathy as an essential human trait. I will never be comfortable in tight fitting clothes and prefer to take risks with my outfits (high waisted shorts and all). I also deplore doing anything I'm not good at and will forever be a perfectionist. like it or not, this is me. and at the end of the day I'm the only person who has to like it.

when Jenny told me my room smelled like adventure she was telling me something. the images on the wall, the photos in the frames, and the books on the shelves are all products of my life and travels. I'm proud of what I've accomplished and how far I've come. but I know I couldn't have done it without Jenny. while we may be two different people, we are still twins. we share the same memories, and up until very recently the same life. even though I am on my own in Hawaii, I still have Jenny.

her sentiment reminds me that every day is an adventure and a chance to learn something new about yourself. so here's to adventure! may we all have the courage to dance like no one's watching :)

when in rome... move there?

2010-07-29T15:45:00.006-10:00

I have a serious problem. In the matter of a single month I’ve considered living in Vietnam, Italy, and Denmark. last week I was determined to learn Italian and move to the Amalfi Coast! today I want to learn Danish and marry a Danish man so we can have little blonde babies that say “tak” and “jeg elsker dig.” of course this is not the first time I’ve considered where I want to be. It seems anywhere than where I am. so what pushes us to seek out new places, and once we are there is it only natural to want to be someplace else? If I moved to Denmark would I regret it? why not stay in Hawaii? why not move to Italy? what has changed in the last few weeks to make me want something else? the only thing I’m certain of is this: the last few mornings I’ve woken up with an indescribable desire to be in this place (Denmark). for now, this is what I want. tomorrow it may be something entirely different, but for now this is it.

we live in an extraordinary world. Is it wrong to want to experience a little bit of everything?

maybe not.

you’ve only got one

2010-07-26T05:49:00.006-10:00

thoughts written on a napkin outside a café along Strøget

well then, shouldn’t we make the most of it? what’s the point of spending your time doing useless crap? the incentive to have a life well lived is just that – to live well. whatever your definition of living is, just go for it. meet new people, take risks, and revel in uncomfortable situations. when we see everyday as an opportunity to start living, then nothing is lacking. be cautious and smart with your choices, but do not fear them. sometimes it’s okay to be scared, but you shouldn’t let that fear discourage you from doing the things you want to do. uncertainty is a part of life. we will never know what tomorrow will bring, nor can we plan our lives or structure them to fit some perfect ideal. so just go with it. what’s the worse that could happen?

when we seek to find the positive side of life, our choices begin to create the life we always imagined and desired. to live well is about letting go, to let the days instruct you, and jumping at each and every opportunity. even if life doesn’t make sense today, don’t worry, it will. life works out the way it is supposed to, but you won’t recognize this until you’re there. one day it will hit you. one day you’ll be sitting outside a café in Copenhagen and realize that today is yours. everyday belongs to those who choose to make the most of it. always do what makes you happy. “to do” is not necessarily to achieve. to do is to be. so just “be” and the world will present you with opportunities to have a life well lived.

what tomorrow will bring

2010-07-22T07:25:00.008-10:00

coincidence or a matter of pure luck?

today I started thinking about choice and how the choices we make inevitably lead us in new directions. whether we are aware of it or not, all the choices we make in life shape our lives in some way. take for example, me. the day [insert name here] broke up with me I was destroyed. but when I think about it now, had he never broken my heart, I may have never decided to move to hawaii, start graduate school, take a practicum course that took me to vietnam, meet a dane, spend three amazing weeks in denmark, and start contemplating the next stage of my life. thank you [insert name here]. without losing you I would have never had the courage to experience half the things I’ve experienced (case in point: I’m on a train in the middle of norway getting ready to hike the norwegian fjords!).

so what is this? Is someone trying to tell me something? I want to believe that whatever this is means something. after all, isn’t it true that all things happen for a reason?

even if hawaii doesn’t turn out to be the right place for me, it was somewhere I needed to be in order to end up here. I quote the Tao of Pooh, “one day you will look back and realize that these things had to happen in order for things to work out this other way.” I remember reading this for the first time three years ago and thinking “please let it be true!” now that I’ve had some time to think it over, I feel that there is a plan for everyone, but you won’t know what it is until you’re there – and even then it could change.

never think that things won’t get better. you never know what tomorrow will bring.

hønefoss station, norway 6/28/10

and we wait...

2010-07-12T21:26:00.006-10:00

my flight is cancelled. is this another sign that I should stay? (yes!) it's funny, but even amidst this madness and confusion people seem to be genuinely okay. I don't see any anger, frustration or stress, and if there is any, it's hidden behind smiles, conversation and even the occasional swig of beer. the people to my right are happily enjoying a pint of beer, a couple is passionately saying their goodbyes at the bottom of the escalator with kissing that seems to last forever, and the rest of us, well, we're just waiting.

after all, what can we do? waiting is inevitable, and wait we will until some airline employee tells us where to go. just as in life, we wait - for direction, love, inspiration, even happiness. we are all waiting for something. but instead of thinking about what we want in those moments without, shouldn't we focus on what we already have? friends, family, clothes on our back, luggage with wheels! and yes even beer.

so when life gets you down or doesn't work out exactly as planned (i.e. your flight out of copenhagen gets cancelled), my friends waiting in line at the airport have taught me a few simple tricks to help manage the stress - grab a beer, chat it up with some mates, or turn your luggage into a sleeper sofa.

whatever it is that you don't have now, you will have eventually.

the departure sign above me says that the "current waiting time" is 3 minutes. okay, okay. it could be a little longer, but hey, it's not the end of the world if you don't have all the answers right now. that's just life. it's the time between the unknowns that matters most.

"current wait time:" 1 minute. now that's more like it :)

thoughts on a plane

2010-07-02T12:01:00.006-10:00

be here now. don't conclude that things will never change. keep hopeful thoughts and actions as well as positive results in mind. someday you will know what's best for you. go confidently in the direction of your dreams. make plans. share your plans. develop motivating and meaningful goals in as many life domains as possible. have something to strive for. dream bigger than your greatest expectations. if you fail, at least you'll fall among the stars.

bergen - copenhagen 7/1

wherever you find yourself...

2010-06-27T09:33:00.008-10:00

there is nothing better than to reflect on where you have been and realize how far you have come.

this morning I left Florence. the ride has made me reflect on my personal journey. three years ago I was lost, utterly confused and tortured by the idea of not knowing what would happen. today I am sitting on a train, traveling through the Alps on my way to Copenhagen, Denmark to take a course on climate change. how did I get here? I have no fucking idea. to be honest, I could have never guessed where I would be, who I would be with, or what I would be doing. and yet, here I am.

so what have I learned? well, life moves in mysterious ways, and quite often, unexpected ways. there is no way to predict the paths we follow or the journeys we take. of course complications are bound to arise and things will never go as planned, but hopefully these events help us grow, become more mature, more tolerant, and hopefully better people. so we drift along, behaving like water in a slow and steady stream. we don't know what's around the corner but we have no choice but to move. if I have learned anything over the past three years it's this - to behave like water - move with purpose but bend with the curves, knowing that any rocks you encounter you can go around.

so whether your straightener has just fried your hair, you've lost your digital camera, or your car needs a new transmission, remember that life can't always be perfect, but life can always be beautiful - if you choose to see it as such.

thoughts on the train to Copenhagen - june 10

selfish ways

2010-05-26T21:43:00.006-10:00

for jenny...

life is a journey and every good traveler knows that journeys are about the unknowns. there will be moments when life doesn't make sense and you must decide what's best for you before moving forward. remember that in these moments it's okay to be selfish. until you figure it out it's okay to say yes, and it's okay to say no. it's your life. live it how you see fit. create the moments and memories you want. find joy in the unexpected and challenge yourself to find a new point of view. above all else, live in a way that makes you happy and no one else. you may not have all the answers figured out, but life has a funny way of working out if you let it "just be."

these next few months are yours. to live and love as you see fit. so smile, happy looks good on you.

thoughts from the tokyo airport, 5/23

searching for my "something deeper"

2010-03-16T20:49:00.006-10:00

thoughts from thursday 3/11 and tuesday 3/16

these feelings aren't all about loss. these feelings are the incredible loneliness rising up. i don't want to be lonely. i want to be strong. i don't want to need someone in my life to be happy (but i do, i still do). i am not (nor have i ever been) okay on my own. i desperately seek companionship. i want (i need) to appear strong, confident, in control, and independent. but i fear that i am none of these things.

i want and seek love, but i am also hesitant to give my heart away. so i backtrack and return to earlier comforts, reasoning that no one will ever be good enough. i want everyone i meet to be "the one" and become disheartened when they fail to meet my expectations. even before getting to know someone i build them up, imagining the person i want them to be, and losing hope or interest when they turn out to be something different (something real). what i'm searching for i already had, and i'm anxious to get it back. when i lost love, i lost myself. at the time i didn't know what to do or who i was. it has been a struggle ever since to regain my sense of self. the most frustrating part is i thought i had! i thought i was the strong, independent woman i always wanted to be. but i realize now that there is something deeper that i'm missing - something that no "someone" can satisfy.

a new love? of course. everyone yearns for someone in their lives, but this struggle is not just about finding a new "someone." this struggle is about finding myself and developing the capacity to be okay (truly okay) on my own. i want to watch a sunset, go to the movies, or lie in bed and not think about the person who isn't there. being on my own does not mean i have to be unhappy.

what i'm missing is control. control over my inner-self, my subconscious, who i am. nothing in life is perfect. people make mistakes, hearts get broken, and relationships can fall apart. so how do we push past all the bullshit? after these moments of hurt, anger, despair, and sadness, how do we re-center ourselves and our thoughts without encountering struggle?

i know the answer lies within. but i don't know how to find it. at times i feel helpless. like i'll never be able to be happy on my own, to truly discover who i am and project my newfound sense of self to the world - but i know i'm doing it now. everyday i get closer to discovering who i am. yet i want consistency - to be happy today, tomorrow, next year, forever. i have read that "while we spend our days waiting for happiness, happiness is always here, waiting."

my happiness is here, inside me! i may not have control over others, but i have control over myself, my thoughts, and my actions. find the flow, learn the steps, and make each move your own. you decide what works for you. don't live your life according to someone else's schedule, and don't wait for others to come around. it's your life. it's your journey. everyone's invited, but ticket sales close at the end of the 6th so you better hurry the hell up! life waits for no one - you are not an exception to this rule. so live it up. take chances, make mistakes, love with your whole heart, and don't be afraid to fall. someone will be there to catch you.

:)

more than tongue can tell

2010-03-11T20:22:00.007-10:00

it's 2:15pm, and I know that any minute now mimi will be here to pick us up. like clockwork, she arrives in the white honda (a.k.a. the "mimi mobile") and we quickly jump in. each day our routine is the same. drive by the baseball field, packed with an assortment of hunky high school boys, and slump as low as we can below the car windows and pray that no one hears the classical music blasting from the car stereo.

this is just one memory i have of mimi. some of my fondest memories are the afternoons spent in the comfort of her living room, watching old rodgers and hammerstein movies like south pacific, bye bye birdie, gigi, ooooklahoma!, the music man ("i love the music man!"), and my all-time favorite, 7 brides for 7 brothers (haven't heard of it? you should). during these afternoons of movies and snacks from trader joe's, I was introduced to a whole new genre of film where superbly choreographed dance routines and singing about "cockeyed optimists" was the norm. the fact that i can (and will) sing the lyrics to "happy talk" (don't forget the hand movements!), is a testament to mimi and her love affair with musicals (a love affair that she passed down to me and jenny).

reading was another love of hers, and she instilled in us an appreciation for libraries and literature. i can remember spending an entire summer at the south pas library reading books to earn ourselves enough "points" to obtain nifty (absolutely useless) toys and gadgets. i think this is why jenny likes the smell of library books so much :)

these, and so many more, are small reminders of the impact she had on our lives. she gave howard his name, had an affinity for loons, cactus, and blue-colored anything. what i love and will miss the most about mimi is the comfort and contentment she found in seemingly simple pleasures like reading, writing (i will miss your letters), or spending time on the "catio."

the more i reflect, the more i remember, and the more i realize how empty certain areas of my life will be without her.

today i woke up to the news that she was gone. she had passed away in her sleep just as i was sleeping in a bed 2,000 miles away on an island in the middle of the pacific ocean. i can't say for certain that it's hit me. the enormity of her absence is almost too much to consider, but i take comfort in the fact that she is at peace. wherever it is we go after we die, i'm sure it's a better place, made all the more better because mimi is there now.

i miss you mimi (and i meant what i said in that postcard i sent you when i was 12 - "you are the best grandma ever! but don't tell the other one")

love you more than tongue can tell, always and forever...be seeing you :)

"may we all learn from the trees, to grow with ease"

2010-03-09T20:22:00.006-10:00

the following reflections are about the changes we encounter on our personal journeys through life. I came across them while reading a book on enlightenment and couldn't help but be moved.

when change occurs we may find ourselves overwhelmed and without answers. we retreat for awhile, back into our familiar routines. we are safe here in the present. we know the rules. we know what to expect.

the thought of a new tomorrow is completely foreign. who will be there for us when we need to turn to someone? what will inspire us? what will keep us going? we take our first steps out of complete faith that somehow, some way we will find new paths to follow.

at times we must learn to let go of the people, places, or activities that have been a part of our lives. unfortunately we cannot take everyone and everything on the next stage of our personal journeys. as we change, so do our helpers along the way.

we cannot stop change. it is inevitable. when we face significant turning points, we must let ourselves move on. we will find ourselves under a new sky. the horizon will be different. the landscape will be unknown. but there are others who can be our companions for this new phase.

theses words are a reminder that change is constant - it is the one certainty in life, but that doesn't mean we should run from it. embrace the changes in your life and grow from them.

as a wise friend once told me, "may we all learn from the trees, to grow with ease." life is a journey. embrace it - both the good and the bad :)

perfect silence

2010-03-07T12:02:00.003-10:00

the other day my zen calendar told me to find "perfect silence."

my revelation this week: learn to be perfectly content doing absolutely nothing. there is no rush to do anything! when we take time to do nothing we become more aware of our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. do things because you want to do them - not because you feel you should. stop worrying what others think of you - trying to please others only confuses the soul. stay true to yourself (even if you're not 100% sure who that is). begin each day with hope and end your day in quiet reflection - in "perfect silence."

thanks jen for helping me push past all the bullshit. i think i'm gonna use my watercolors now :)

becoming mindful

2010-02-17T11:42:00.003-10:00

"the mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell out of heaven."

believe you are happy, and you will be. remember..."while we spend our time waiting for happiness, happiness is always here, waiting."

(how quickly we forget this simple truth)

bookends

2010-02-10T10:07:00.005-10:00

"to read a book for the first time is to make an acquaintance with a new friend. to read it for a second time is to meet an old one."

books have a beginning and an end - but it's what we find between the pages that truly defines who we are. books have the power to influence our thoughts, inspire our actions, and teach us new perspectives on life.

end your day in the company of a good book :)

change

2010-02-09T12:00:00.005-10:00

I've been thinking a lot about change today. There are different types of change. You get old, you change physically. You get sad, you change your state of mind. You find a new love, you have a change of heart. You need to get away, you change your location. Nothing endures but change. It's everywhere!

Katie - remember, in order to change we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired. Love chuuuuuu

affirmations

2010-01-28T21:37:00.004-10:00

"i choose to think positive thoughts." "i am healthy, i am strong." "i am surrounded by positive energy." "i believe in me."

just like the books we read, affirmations have tremendous power over the way we think and our lives. if we want to make positive changes in our life, it is important to have positive beliefs about ourselves.

keep repeating these and your thoughts will become your reality. believe in you.

new year, new you

2009-12-31T16:29:00.004-10:00

life is too short to deal with nonsense. be who you are, love what you love, and take risks. not everyday can be perfect, but everyday can be beautiful.

perspective

2009-12-01T07:30:00.005-10:00

"supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"

"supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

life is all about perspective. change your perspective and you can change your life. so don't worry, be happy. enjoy life. enjoy where you are today. just be.

happy december!

2009-11-30T14:41:00.007-10:00

After a long weekend of giving thanks, I returned to my office desk to find this little gem written on my calendar...

practice not-doing, and everything will fall in to place

That Lao-tzu sures knows his stuff...

Missing you Katie girl!

"shouldn't it be easy to just be happy?" - tristan prettyman

2009-10-05T10:04:00.009-10:00

how do we make sense of the world and the situations in which we find ourselves? when we are alone it seems we begin to crave moments, sensations and physical comforts like touch. after almost two years I am still not completely at ease on my own - maybe no one ever is. as humans, is companionship an essential part of who we are? at our core, do we need someone to love in order to be satisfied? and in those moments without love, why is it so hard to be happy? but then again, happiness is relative. happiness, like life, is what you make of it. and yet there is something about today that makes me question our ability as humans to simply "be satisfied" regardless of where we find ourselves (alone, in a relationship, in between relationships). naturally and inherently we are creatures of comfort and attachment - attachment to anyone but the reality of ourselves.

wanting to forget, but never being able to truly let go - this is the curse of attachment. so how do we make sense of it? we must confront reality - with or without someone our days go on and on. we might as well make the best of each day and trust that life will work out.

in the greater scheme of things, today is just one day. who knows what tomorrow will bring. make hope your mainstay and never stop believing that tomorrow will bring something better.

- thoughts from the beach park 10/4/09

changes

2009-10-02T08:43:00.003-10:00

jenny, this is a good one.

move and live with purpose. adjust to changes in life like water encountering a stone. remember, whatever is in your way you can go around.

you know who said that? ME

wildness

2009-10-01T18:00:00.004-10:00

"where do you want to go?" and John Muir replied..."anywhere that is wild."

i can't get enough of the PBS series on national parks. I've stayed up every night to watch, write down interesting thoughts, and reflect.

nature, at its core, is an essential part of the human spirit. "going to the mountains is going home."

love it

something to think about in times of stress

2009-09-13T21:17:00.002-10:00

"even if you're unhappy, just pretend that you're happy...eventually, your smile will be contagious to yourself"

economics and taoism

2009-09-01T09:57:00.004-10:00

this is a quote I found while reading my economics book...

"there is no need to worry about mere size. sir isaac newton was very much smaller than a hippopotamus, but we do not on that account value him less."

...who would have guessed an econ book could offer so much insight. speaking of hippopotami...

"water without a hippopotamus was so much more manageable than water with one." - life of pi

ah ha! got you thinking!

another good reason to live in the islands

2009-08-31T07:00:00.005-10:00

new beginnings

2009-08-30T13:25:00.000-10:00

"when we see things as they are, we find a world of magic - the world that has been there all along. and we find ourselves wondering how we ever missed it." - The Te of Piglet

here's to opening our eyes to new possibilities and opportunities...no matter how small they may be