disaster distress hotline
3/7/12
I'm guessing this doesn't apply to disastrous relationships. looks like I only have myself to call on. in that case, here's what I'm telling you (me) to do.
commit to the decision to pick-up, gather your things, and move on. no one said walking away would be easy, but it will get progressively easier. in two months you will be happier. I promise.
thanks me. you really know your shit.
[note to self: you suck at break ups]
3/19/12
perfect silence
3/7/10
the other day my zen calendar told me to find "perfect silence."
my revelation this week: learn to be perfectly content doing absolutely nothing. there is no rush to do anything! when we take time to do nothing we become more aware of our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. do things because you want to do them - not because you feel you should. stop worrying what others think of you - trying to please others only confuses the soul. stay true to yourself (even if you're not 100% sure who that is). begin each day with hope and end your day in quiet reflection - in "perfect silence."
"may we all learn from the trees to grow with ease"
3/9/10
the following reflections are about the changes we encounter on our personal journeys through life. I came across them while reading a book on enlightenment and couldn't help but be moved.
when change occurs we may find ourselves overwhelmed and without answers. we retreat for awhile, back into our familiar routines. we are safe here in the present. we know the rules. we know what to expect.
the thought of a new tomorrow is completely foreign. who will be there for us when we need to turn to someone? what will inspire us? what will keep us going? we take our first steps out of complete faith that somehow, some way we will find new paths to follow.
at times we must learn to let go of the people, places, or activities that have been a part of our lives. unfortunately we cannot take everyone and everything on the next stage of our personal journeys. as we change, so do our helpers along the way.
we cannot stop change. it is inevitable. when we face significant turning points, we must let ourselves move on. we will find ourselves under a new sky. the horizon will be different. the landscape will be unknown. but there are others who can be our companions for this new phase.
theses words are a reminder that change is constant - it is the one certainty in life, but that doesn't mean we should run from it. embrace the changes in your life and grow from them.
as a wise friend once told me, "may we all learn from the trees, to grow with ease." life is a journey. embrace it - both the good and the bad
thanks jen for helping me push past all the bullshit. i think i'm gonna use my watercolors now
searching for my something deeper
3/16/10
these feelings aren't all about loss. these feelings are the incredible loneliness rising up. I don't want to be lonely. I want to be strong. I don't want to need someone in my life to be happy (but I do, I still do). I am not (nor have i ever been) okay on my own. I desperately seek companionship. I want (I need) to appear strong, confident, in control, and independent. but I fear that I am none of these things.
I want and seek love, but I am also hesitant to give my heart away. so I backtrack and return to earlier comforts, reasoning that no one will ever be good enough. I want everyone I meet to be "the one" and become disheartened when they fail to meet my expectations. even before getting to know someone I build them up, imagining the person I want them to be, and losing hope or interest when they turn out to be something different (something real). what i'm searching for I already had, and i'm anxious to get it back. when I lost love, I lost myself. at the time I didn't know what to do or who I was. it has been a struggle ever since to regain my sense of self. the most frustrating part is I thought I had! I thought I was the strong, independent woman i always wanted to be. but I realize now that there is something deeper that i'm missing - something that no "someone" can satisfy.
a new love? of course. everyone yearns for someone in their lives, but this struggle is not just about finding a new "someone." this struggle is about finding myself and developing the capacity to be okay (truly okay) on my own. I want to watch a sunset, go to the movies, or lie in bed and not think about the person who isn't there. being on my own does not mean I have to be unhappy.
what i'm missing is control. control over my inner-self, my subconscious, who I am. nothing in life is perfect. people make mistakes, hearts get broken, and relationships can fall apart. so how do we push past all the bullshit? after these moments of hurt, anger, despair, and sadness, how do we re-center ourselves and our thoughts without encountering struggle?
I know the answer lies within. but I don't know how to find it. at times I feel helpless. like i'll never be able to be happy on my own, to truly discover who I am and project my newfound sense of self to the world - but I know i'm doing it now. everyday I get closer to discovering who I am. yet I want consistency - to be happy today, tomorrow, next year, forever. I have read that "while we spend our days waiting for happiness, happiness is always here, waiting."
my happiness is here, inside me! I may not have control over others, but I have control over myself, my thoughts, and my actions. find the flow, learn the steps, and make each move your own. you decide what works for you. don't live your life according to someone else's schedule, and don't wait for others to come around. it's your life. it's your journey. everyone's invited, but ticket sales close at the end of the 6th so you better hurry the hell up! life waits for no one - you are not an exception to this rule. so live it up. take chances, make mistakes, love with your whole heart, and don't be afraid to fall. someone will be there to catch you.
"everything will be ok in the end. if it's not ok, it's not the end"
3/25/11
damn. it's tough to not want life to work out the way you want. it's even tougher to accept things for what they are - uh, not exactly what you had in mind. but that's okay. whether or not there's some great master plan, you're never going to know for sure why things happen - or why they don't. so instead of wasting time worrying about how to change the path you're on, why not accept it for what it is? either way, whether you accept it or not, you can't change it.
remember katie, things are as they are. don't force the things you can't control. let things operate the way they will.
just go with it. it’s going to be okay.
tsunamis...and other shit we don't want to deal with
3/15/11
it was the second tsunami warning in a little over a year. after a long night on "tsunami watch" - packing an emergency bag, moving the cars to higher ground, and sticking our "valuables" on the roof - it was around 4:30 in the morning when the roomies and I decided to call it quits. not because we were certain the waves were never going to strike, but because after 7 hours sitting in front of the television, sleep sounded like the most appealing option. before heading to bed I penned this note and left it on the kitchen counter...
"we did it! but come get me if..."
"if" - probably the most loaded word in the english language. while my note was intended for my roommates, so they'd know to grab me in case the tsunami did arrive, it got me thinking about the "iffy-ness" of everyday circumstances (a.k.a. the unknown). the truth is, nobody wants to deal with life's little "what ifs" - tsunami or otherwise. we want answers! and tend to operate only when there's 100% certainty. if you ain't sure, then we ain't buying.
but this way of thinking violates life's one fundamental truth - life is ambiguous - there's always going to be a "what if." trying to plan for the "what ifs" is like trying to ride two horses with one ass - it ain't gonna work! (ain't that right sugarbean?)
at some point you just have to say "fuck it." you'll never have all the answers. so you might as well pick a horse, saddle up, and ride like the wind. you don't have to know exactly where you're going (although a direction would be nice), just go! be prepared, have a plan, but don't stress about the things you can't control. and if all else fails, pack an emergency bag and stick it on the roof - preferably above the third story
why I love denmark
3/21/11
cheese for breakfast. enough said. it’s also one of the few words I can pronounce in Danish. ost! rugbrød however is quite another story. If I could rid the world of one danish word, “rye bread” would be it. unfortunately, if you want to order an open-faced sandwich in Denmark you have to know how to say it. ruu-prol? yeah sure, that sounds about right.
speaking of language, you gotta hand it to the Danes. not only have they managed to create one of the most difficult languages, but every word is spelled in a way completely counter-intuitive to how Americans would speak.
fortunately for Americans, most Danes think our American accents are positively adorable. no matter how many times I mangle the world “Rådhuspladsen,” my friend Christian still thinks it’s irritatingly cute. irritating? yes. cute? nej.
everyone answers the phone with their first name. “Mette speaking!” “uh, I know, that’s why I dialed your number.” when I point this out to Danes they just laugh. I guess it’s possible that the person who called you was drunk, stupid, and utterly incompetent to realize whose number they dialed, but I think most people know whom they’re calling when they dial a number.
tradition. Danes know absolutely nothing about their culture or why they do the things they do. seriously. no one knows why you get cinnamon on your 25th birthday if you’re single and unmarried or why we eat rice pudding for dessert on christmas. I shouldn’t find this surprising considering my grandmother can’t recall why our family name is “Ersbak.” uh…
soccer for homeless people. it’s true. I went to a match the other day at Rådhuspladsen (there’s that word again) between the national girls team and a group of homeless dudes. surprisingly, they held their own. the game ended in a tie. what! no shoot out? no penalty kicks? although I hate to think what the homeless dudes would have done if they ended up losing to a squad of girls. hit the bottle? ouch. low blow, Katie.
danish knick-knacks. it’s funny, but every Danish house I’ve ever been in has some piece of furniture, kitchenware, or other household item that I grew up with. “hey! my dad has that chair!” it’s actually quite weird. then again, it’s like I never left home.
jante law. back in the “olden days” (when the earth was formed), Jante law was described as a series of rules for group behavior, which negatively portrays and criticizes success and achievement as unworthy and inappropriate. practically speaking, step out of line, and we cut your balls off. this pattern of behavior was exhibited perfectly tonight at Det Kongelige Teater (the Royal Danish Theatre) where we went to see the play “My Fair Lady” – in Danish, of course. at the end of the performance everyone in the audience began clapping in unison. it was the most bizarre thing I’ve ever witnessed. god forbid, someone in the crowd start clapping a little too loud or out of sync for fear of being arrested or promptly shipped off to the Faroe Islands. actually, it all makes perfect sense. last summer at a concert at Tivoli I made the mistake of clapping at the end of a performance. sensing a sniper nearby, my friend requested that I stop clapping. too bad, I would like to visit the Faroe Islands.
as an aside, do Henry Higgins and Eliza Doolittle hook up at the end of the movie? hmmm, must be the new “Danish” ending.
doors. doors in Copenhagen are extraordinarily heavy and near impossible to open. to add insult to injury (sometimes literally), it’s never quite clear which way to open them. do I push or pull? sometimes you have to pull and twist the small lock at the top of the doorknob. i’ve lost track of how many times I’ve mistaken a door for being locked, when in fact all I had to do was pull then twist. or was it push then pull? needless to say, opening doors in Denmark is a process of trial-and-error. if at first you don’t succeed…just stand there and wait for someone else to do it for you. aha! it was push not pull!
the weather. this is spring? your concept of warm and cold change significantly once you arrive in Denmark. it’s going to be 18 degrees tomorrow! all right! that’s 60 degrees fahrenheit! after several months of darkness, it’s no wonder the Danes love sunshine. walking down the street on a sunny day you’re likely to encounter a plethora of Danes sunning (in unison of course) on a park bench. they love it! like human sundials, the Danes move with the light. perhaps that’s why the universe rewards them during the summer months when the sun never sets.
of course taking a shower when it’s cold is an endeavor in itself. to bathe, or not to bathe, that is the question. sadly, I can’t remember the last time I washed my body – or shaved. but judging from the length of my armpit hair it’s been at least three days. no, make that four. unfortunately, hygiene takes a back seat when the weather drops below freezing. thank goodness I smell wonderful all the time.
FYI: never try to peel and orange outside during the month of March. your fingers won’t work for a week.
the flag. Danes love their flag and the “Dannebrog” is commonly flown in many Danish backyards. you’ve got to love a country that will fine its citizens for not taking down their flag after sunset. can you just imagine the phone call from the neighbor to the police? “uh, Niels has had his flag up for two days now and it’s really starting to piss me off.”
the funny thing is, it has nothing to do with national pride or patriotism. as with most things, it’s just something we do. napkins, plates, cups, cakes, cards, table tops, t-shirts, signs, stickers – the Danish flag adorns anything and everything, especially during birthdays and celebrations, and the Danes will use any excuse to fly their flag. hell, I’m sporting a Danish flag on my t-shirt right now. damn! they got to me too!
business meetings in Danish. while most Danes speak English – a wonderful thing that I must thank them for again and again (tak! tak!) – events, meetings, and conferences, even with an international audience, tend to be held only in Danish. when I asked one of my friends why this was, she shrugged her shoulders and said, “I don’t know. I think we’re just assholes.”
jeg elsker dig danmark
more than tongue can tell
3/11/10
it's 2:15pm, and I know that any minute now mimi will be here to pick us up. like clockwork, she arrives in the white honda (a.k.a. the "mimi mobile") and we quickly jump in. each day our routine is the same. drive by the baseball field, packed with an assortment of hunky high school boys, and slump as low as we can below the car windows and pray that no one hears the classical music blasting from the car stereo.
this is just one memory I have of mimi. some of my fondest memories are the afternoons spent in the comfort of her living room, watching old rodgers and hammerstein movies like South Pacific, Bye Bye Birdie, Gigi, Ooooklahoma!, The Music Man ("I love The Music Man!"), and my all-time favorite, 7 brides for 7 brothers (haven't heard of it? you should). during these afternoons of movies and snacks from Trader Joe's, I was introduced to a whole new genre of film where superbly choreographed dance routines and singing about "cockeyed optimists" was the norm. the fact that I can (and will) sing the lyrics to "happy talk" (don't forget the hand movements!), is a testament to mimi and her love affair with musicals (a love affair that she passed down to me and jenny).
reading was another love of hers, and she instilled in us an appreciation for libraries and literature. I can remember spending an entire summer at the south pas library reading books to earn ourselves enough "points" to obtain nifty (absolutely useless) toys and gadgets. I think this is why jenny likes the smell of library books so much.
these, and so many more, are small reminders of the impact she had on our lives. she gave howard his name, had an affinity for loons, cactus, and blue-colored anything. what I love and will miss the most about mimi is the comfort and contentment she found in seemingly simple pleasures like reading, writing (I will miss your letters), or spending time on the "catio."
the more I reflect, the more I remember, and the more I realize how empty certain areas of my life will be without her.
today I woke up to the news that she was gone. she had passed away in her sleep just as I was sleeping in a bed 2,000 miles away on an island in the middle of the pacific. I can't say for certain that it's hit me. the enormity of her absence is almost too much to consider, but I take comfort in the fact that she is at peace. wherever it is we go after we die, i'm sure it's a better place, made all the more better because mimi is there now.
I miss you mimi (and I meant what I said in that postcard I sent you when I was 12 - "you are the best grandma ever! but don't tell the other one")
love you more than tongue can tell, always and forever...be seeing you
