searching for my "something deeper"

thoughts from thursday 3/11 and tuesday 3/16

these feelings aren't all about loss. these feelings are the incredible loneliness rising up. i don't want to be lonely. i want to be strong. i don't want to need someone in my life to be happy (but i do, i still do). i am not (nor have i ever been) okay on my own. i desperately seek companionship. i want (i need) to appear strong, confident, in control, and independent. but i fear that i am none of these things.

i want and seek love, but i am also hesitant to give my heart away. so i backtrack and return to earlier comforts, reasoning that no one will ever be good enough. i want everyone i meet to be "the one" and become disheartened when they fail to meet my expectations. even before getting to know someone i build them up, imagining the person i want them to be, and losing hope or interest when they turn out to be something different (something real). what i'm searching for i already had, and i'm anxious to get it back. when i lost love, i lost myself. at the time i didn't know what to do or who i was. it has been a struggle ever since to regain my sense of self. the most frustrating part is i thought i had! i thought i was the strong, independent woman i always wanted to be. but i realize now that there is something deeper that i'm missing - something that no "someone" can satisfy.

a new love? of course. everyone yearns for someone in their lives, but this struggle is not just about finding a new "someone." this struggle is about finding myself and developing the capacity to be okay (truly okay) on my own. i want to watch a sunset, go to the movies, or lie in bed and not think about the person who isn't there. being on my own does not mean i have to be unhappy.

what i'm missing is control. control over my inner-self, my subconscious, who i am. nothing in life is perfect. people make mistakes, hearts get broken, and relationships can fall apart. so how do we push past all the bullshit? after these moments of hurt, anger, despair, and sadness, how do we re-center ourselves and our thoughts without encountering struggle?

i know the answer lies within. but i don't know how to find it. at times i feel helpless. like i'll never be able to be happy on my own, to truly discover who i am and project my newfound sense of self to the world - but i know i'm doing it now. everyday i get closer to discovering who i am. yet i want consistency - to be happy today, tomorrow, next year, forever. i have read that "while we spend our days waiting for happiness, happiness is always here, waiting."

my happiness is here, inside me! i may not have control over others, but i have control over myself, my thoughts, and my actions. find the flow, learn the steps, and make each move your own. you decide what works for you. don't live your life according to someone else's schedule, and don't wait for others to come around. it's your life. it's your journey. everyone's invited, but ticket sales close at the end of the 6th so you better hurry the hell up! life waits for no one - you are not an exception to this rule. so live it up. take chances, make mistakes, love with your whole heart, and don't be afraid to fall. someone will be there to catch you.

:)