on the fence

I'm on the fence, which basically means I can't make up my mind. I used to think that a relationship was all I wanted. but now when I'm presented with the opportunity to love someone new I shy away. I'm torn between wanting a relationship and not wanting to get hurt. perhaps my fear of commitment is really a reflection of what I don't want to happen. I don't want to become attached, love sick, and controlled by lust. I'm scared of getting involved with someone and then losing myself. it's terrifying to think that all the steps I've taken, all the progress I've made, could be swept away by one person. I'm not sure I'm prepared to see what another person might do to me and my identity.

meeting the right person has not been a piece of cake. in fact, it's probably been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm not good at dating and I'm certainly not good at the casual "hook up." in fact, my so-called flings and flirtations have left me even more uncertain about love and relationships than ever before. the ironic thing is that I want love. I want to have someone to hold, but deep down I'm terrified of losing my balance and falling flat on my face. for me, opening my heart to the possibility of someone new could throw my whole world out of whack. I want love, but I may not be ready.

then again, maybe all I need to do is get my ass off the fence?