I didn't know what to say anymore...so I just said it

I told the one person I should not be talking to that I still care for him. I don't know why I did it, but I did. actually, I do know why I did it. I did it to try to put some closure to a relationship that never had any closure to begin with. sure, it was a "break up," but I can't recall either one of us ever putting a solid label on what we had become. friends? lovers? two people waiting for the "in between phase" to finally pass? thousands of different scenarios have played out in my head. what are we? is there still a chance? what happens next? ultimately, neither one of us has ever wanted to admit, or discuss, the real possibility that things might never be the same.

I've wanted to move on, but it hasn't been easy letting go. I've had a hard time admitting to myself that things are not the same - that we may never be the "we" I hoped we would become. recently I reached a point where I can't continue to leave things as they are - unclear. I had to make it clear. I had to say something.

so I said I still love you. which is true. I do still love him. maybe not in the same way, but those feelings that developed at a very early age have never gone away. and they never will. I'll always love him. but starting today I need to say it and be ok with not hearing "I love you too" on the other end of the line. this time, I need to say it just for me. to say what I'm feeling, but be ok with silence in return.

my sister says there comes a point when you have to let go. I think this is that point. there may never be a definitive moment of closure when I can say, that's it, that's the moment I finally let go...but I have to start somewhere. I have to start by saying enough is enough. I want to be happy. I am happy. I am happy without you.