so broken in

I can't sleep. I know it's silly, but when the words don't come out the way they should, writing them down seems to help.

there's a song by john mayer that reminds me of you. it's called "comfortable" and it reminds me of what we used to have. let me preface this by saying you're completely wrong for me - selfish, hot-headed, and still unsure of what you want - you're not the person I need right now. but after 14 years of loving you, it's kinda hard to let you go. in fact I spent much of my young adult life believing you were the one. I put all my energy into loving you and was devastated to discover you didn't feel the same way. you crushed my heart and left me broken and confused.

it hasn't been easy. in fact, it's been downright unbearable at times. so I left, knowing deep down that it was better to move on than wait for you to figure yourself out. I moved an ocean away but left some small part of me with you, for no other reason than the hope that someday it could work. I had the courage to leave, but not the strength to break away completely. it's been more than 3 years and I still haven't totally moved on.

why? it's simple. our love was the most familiar and comfortable thing I'd ever known.

comfortable is a funny word. it's the only word I'd use to describe a relationship like ours. not just because I could pee in front of you, or wake up in the morning and not feel awkward about looking like complete shit. when you have a relationship as comfortable as ours, it's only natural to want it back.

this summer in denmark, I learned a new word for comfortable. it's called "hygge" and it means "cozy togetherness" or the danish way of surviving soul-crushing darkness. you see, during the dark winter months, the danes succeed in "creating" hygge by lighting candles and gathering together with family and friends. the soul-crushing darkness found in wintertime might also be compared to the soul-crushing darkness of a lost relationship. sometimes it seems, the only way out, is to go to denmark, light a candle and see what happens.

no doubt I've become much more adventurous, daring, and independent since you left. for the first time in a long time, I am free to discover who I am, and what I want. but I'll always want you. after all, comfort is a hard thing to forget.

so why did I stay up until 3 in the morning writing this all down? I have no idea, but at least now I'll be able to sleep knowing that I made my thoughts clear. which reminds me. there's another song that makes me think of you. it says "you're love is the perfect blindfold for me." how true that is. I can't see past what we once had. and, as much as I want to, I can't let go.
maybe I was never meant to.

...I loved you, gray sweatpants, no makeup, so perfect
(I love that line)