MAY

why do I continue to do what I do?
5/1/12

that's a tough question to answer. today I am happy. I think. 6 weeks and counting with no major upsets. not a record by any means, but a ray of hope in a relationship that has felt very questionable since november. so what's changed? are we understanding each other better? have the lines of communication finally been deciphered? yes? [note the question mark]. or what if this new period of bliss is attributed to something else?

what if I'm the one who has changed? have I lost sight of who I am? have I become the one who settles? have I fought so hard to keep this relationship alive that I've morphed into someone else? have I become complacent?

my greatest fear is that I have.

what would I have done in this same situation a year ago? what kind of person was I at this time last year? have I really changed that much since then? what about H? there were a lot of "I love yous" early on. did he really mean it? was I really ready to give him a response? I know that I care for H very much, miss him when we're not together, and enjoy the moments when we laugh and joke, but does that equal love?

when you look ahead to the future with someone, and a big question mark blocks your view, can you still consider yourself in love? maybe what I have with H is love coated with a gigantic serving of attachment. does attachment equal love? no of course not! I know this! but are these feelings just attachment or something more? when do you know it's the right time to settle? what should it feel like to know you've found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? I used to think I knew, but today I fear I've lost the ability to trust my gut. I'm afraid I've wandered off the path into a relationship that may not have what it takes to make it to the finish line.

so why do I stay in a relationship I continue to be so uncertain of? simple. because I fear not being here will leave me even more broken and unhappy. it's so much easier to stand on the edge of a cliff enjoying the view than leap out into the unknown. so that's why I stay. fear of the unknown can be crippling, but I'll tell you this much...

when and if I do decide to cut and run, I may need someone to be my life raft until I can finally stand on solid ground. sometimes you just need to know that someone else is there. it's the hope that makes us stronger. the hope that someone new, someone better will come along to lift us out of our hole and show us what new possibilities await. then again, maybe I won't have to. maybe what I've found with H is it. maybe...I wish I had a different word to describe what awaits.

what's next
5/29/11

yesterday I was reading a travel book about cities — Honolulu wasn’t in it.

it seems silly to think that as an urban planner I’ve placed myself in one of the most inhospitable cities for pedestrians. to be honest, it’s a little absurd that the University of Hawaii even has an urban planning department. driving around it doesn’t look like we got it quite right. but hey, that’s just one reporter’s opinion.

don’t get me wrong. I LOVE Hawaii. hell, I could live here (actually I do live here). but I’m struggling to decide whether or not it’s the place I should be right now. I’m almost done with school. I just finished the first draft of my thesis and I’m sitting in a café off Ward thinking “what’s next?”

what is next? I guess it’s the question we all ask ourselves toward the end of some monumental undertaking. for me, this summer marks the end of grad school and the beginning of something new — a new chapter in my life. the problem is, I’m not quite sure where to start.

for months I’ve been struggling with it. what do I want to do? where do I want to go? and who do I want to be with? I remember telling myself before I moved out here, “it’s only 2 years…you can always come back in 2 years.” well, it’s been two and a half years and I’m not ready to go back. although I’m not ready to stay either. like I said, I love Hawaii. there are lots of reasons to stay, but one big reason to leave — me. I’m not there yet. I still haven’t done what I set out to do…be okay on my own. sean used to be my reason for going back. now he isn’t. a “new somebody” was my reason to leave L.A. and what I hoped would be my reason for staying, but that hasn’t really worked out either. which is fine. I’m not ready to be with someone right now. I may WANT to be with someone, but I’m NOT READY to be with someone – at least not anyone new.

I still think about sean. I do. I think about him more than I’d like to admit. but I can’t continue to put myself in limbo – stuck between what was and what might still be — life doesn’t work like that. I have to move on. Sean is still probably the one aspect of my former self that I haven’t been able to let go of – at least not completely. and I guess he’ll never be completely gone. like so many other things in life, my love for Sean is always going to be a part of me. and I have to be okay with that. as much as it hurts to still think about it, wishing it away is never going to be the answer. accepting it however, can be.

well I guess I still haven’t really answered my question…what’s next? I don’t know. and I guess that’s the other part of acceptance.

life is about not knowing, accepting change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next…delicious ambiguity.

thanks for listening. I’ll let you know when I make up my mind :)