APRIL

stuck
4/2/12

It’s amazing how often we conveniently ignore the obvious truths about ourselves and who we are. Looking around it's clear that I don't belong. This is not where I want to be. How did I get here? I know this isn't working, and yet I continue to stay. Why? Do I think it will get better? Do I think that he will miraculously change into someone else? No. I don't stay because I'm afraid of never finding something better. I know there's something better. I'm certain of it. So why do I continue to be so uncertain about walking away? What's keeping me here?

While I'm certain that "my something better" awaits, I'm not entirely certain I'll find what I'm looking for if I do decide to walk away (actually I did but he lives in Vancouver – of course). To leap blindly into the unknown is a little scary. It's much easier to waste time where I am than actively pursue unhappiness because truth be told, I'm not happy on my own. H was right. I do crave attention. And maybe that’s why I haven’t committed to walking away. I like being in love. I like sleeping next to someone. I like cooking dinners together and I like sharing my life with someone else. I want so badly for this to work but I know all too well that it probably won't. I feel stuck.

I need someone to pull me out of the mud.

recalculating
4/8/11

no matter how many times you tell yourself to be prepared – to accept change and uncertainty as a part of life – it seems you’re never quite prepared for what happens. I can’t say I’m surprised when life takes an unexpected turn. most of the time I try to consider the alternative, so when things go wrong I can rationalize the pain. of course, as with most things in life, change is only temporary, but deep down you wonder…will I ever get used to it? at what point do you stop wishing things worked out in a different way?

what if it all went right? what if it all turned out wrong? what if the things that went wrong were actually the things that went right? I wish I had answers, but I don’t. I wish I didn’t read into “signs,” but I do. most of all, I wish I could accept things for what they are…I don’t.

I don’t want to accept that life has a shitty side. I don’t want to be comfortable with the idea that “shit happens” and “nothing is perfect.” I wish it were.

as you can tell, I’m not having a very good day. but that’s okay. I’ll move on. at some point we all have to move on. at some point I’m going to have to be okay with change. maybe not today, but someday I will be. it’s the one certainty in life – which is very ironic because change is never certain. then again, maybe we need change in our lives to be absolutely certain that we can’t plan the rest of our lives – they will change.

I guess my advice would be to try not to set yourself up for disappointment by imagining your life working out in a certain way. your choices are half chance. the good news is, so are everybody else’s.