the art of muddling through

I realized something yesterday as I was waiting for the bus.

I have no fucking clue what I'm doing!

I don't have a 10 year plan. I don't even have a 5 year plan! other than to pay off my student loans and travel to far off places, my major goals the last few years have been pretty mediocre. I'm not striving for a specific salary or the ideal job. for the most part I'm pretty content just muddling through.

actually, I rather like my simple life. it's not glamorous or exciting, but it's mine. the thing is, I'm worried I should be doing more. unfortunately I've become quite accustomed to not planning my life. getting ahead of myself is something I try to avoid. I'm also good at avoiding love. crazy I know! but it's true! once you're in love everything changes, including your process of rational decision-making (sure, I'd love to live in japan!). but that's not what scares me.

what scares me is the thought of waking up one day, looking back at my life, and wishing I'd done more.

I'm struggling with settling into a full-time job, enjoying my leisure time (reading, hiking, hiking, hiking - did I mention hiking?), and falling for someone who's never even heard of the word leisure. I hate to admit it, but for the past 4 years my major goal in life has been to find mr. right and push past the bullshit of a 7 year relationship that was maybe never meant to be. I don't know if what I have with this new guy is love, but it's the closest thing I've found in a long time. now I just have to decide what's next. how far ahead am I willing to look? tomorrow? next week? 12 months? I can't answer that right now, but maybe I should be setting a new goal for myself. instead of thinking about who I should end up with, maybe it's time to think about what happens in case my wishful thinking doesn't go exactly as planned. should I move to denmark? get my phd? hike the pacific crest trail? what's my back-up plan?

then again, maybe it's okay to fly by the seat of my pants. when it comes to love, relationships, jobs...the whole bit...is it better to plan or just see what happens? as mason jennings would say, "be here now." thanks mason, I think I will.